Babble Without a Pause

April 29, 2016

A love letter

Filed under: Love and Happiness,Random musings,Uncategorized — rajivmathew @ 4:50 am
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If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 

A little under 2 years ago,  here I sat, hunched over my laptop the night before your first day in Business School, trying to put words to paper. That day, back in May 2014, you were at a crossroad, and you were about to embark on a journey you had seen and touched in your dreams, but never experienced. As I sat in the living room and heard you sound asleep, many thoughts crossed my mind. Worry, elation, stress. But the overriding emotion that night was pride.

2 years on, and that feeling hasn’t changed. You will graduate today. It is a dream I feel I have dreamed almost as often as you have. And I am proud to have been taken along for the ride. As I sat back these 2 years, the silent observer in the corner witnessing you take on everything the world could throw at you, that feeling of pride has only grown, and grown, and grown. Today, its almost the end of April 2016. Pride in you continues to override all else.

What you have done my dear, I have seen no one else do. And that isn’t just husband-speak for “Congrats”. It is my sincerest yet failed attempt at capturing the enormity of what I have witnessed you do. Full-time job 40 hours/week. Bi-weekly flights cross-country and back. Late nights scrambling to complete assignments. Leaving the relative stability of an amazing job, risking it boldly to go searching for your big break. Through it all, your pursuit of perfection never ceased to amaze.

Lately, (and by lately I mean for the past 2 years) I tell my colleagues and our friends every chance I get: “I have no clue how she does it”. And they agree.

Years, decades from now, we’ll both be sitting down to tell our children the importance of chasing their dreams. I’ll point to them, then to that degree certificate you’ll be receiving today, sitting up on the wall all those years down the line, and say “Your ma knows”.

For a guy who  is pretty seldom found short of words, today you’ve done just that to me. I love you. I am immensely proud of you, more than I can explain right now. And because something deep inside tells me this is the start of something amazing for you, I want to tell you babe, that I can’t wait for the rest of this ride.

❤ ❤

 

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May 7, 2014

To you

Filed under: Uncategorized — rajivmathew @ 12:31 pm
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For waiting, and waiting, perhaps too patiently.

For biding your time.

For being so ambitious, it still takes my breath away.

For believing in the power of one.

For still sometimes lacking that conviction in yourself.

For wanting this all along.

For yet having had to wait so long.

For having the courage to walk away from everything you had built.

For finally, truly, seeing you were worth more.

For starting afresh.

For giving it your sleep, blood, sweat and tears. And then some.

For hearing a string of rejections.

For numbing yourself to the pain.

For all the times you spoke of aching for one chance.

For almost giving up, then not.

For waiting 30 years to see this day.

For all the times life knocked you down. Over and over.

For still standing up for one more round.

For having had to overcome far more in this life than I hope to ever have to.

For having made it through all that, for this.

 

YOU are my inspiration.

YOU. You are the reason I live, I love, I breathe.

I’ve longed to see this day for so long now.

To see you soar the way you once convinced me I could.

To you, today, I wish you everything.

Take all your prayers, make them mine.

Take everything you wanted to do, and set out to do it, one at a time.

That one solitary acceptance has come.

That one chance has arrived.

That one life-altering moment is here.

And it’s yours.

August 22, 2008

SHE

What can i say about HER that I haven’t already said and isn’t already known. The SHE i’m talking about isn’t the charming Julia Roberts in my favorite movie of all time, Notting Hill. Elvis Costello sings of SHE, i sing of a different SHE.

SHE is the one who makes life go round and round. SHE is my ethereal beauty, the small child lurking inside the professional woman of substance, the mature and yet so youthful face. SHE is the childish innocence, the adorable voice and deep soulful eyes that look deep into you. SHE is the friend I’ve always wished I’d have and so much more. SHE is the shoulder I’d lean on, and the one I’d lend mine to. SHE is the perfect woman in every sense of the word, at so many different levels. SHE is the one i long to talk to everyday, even though i’m so far away. The one with whom i can be myself, in one word …… COMPANION. SHE‘s the one I’d never wanna lose, SHE knows it too.  I always say SHE was born to be a mother. SHE’ll probably be the best mom ever. SHE‘d pamper our kids so much I’d never stand a chance to be the FAVORITE PARENT 😦  I could settle for being their 2nd favorite …… cause SHE‘d love to be with our kids. HERS is the smiling face that shows itself very very rarely, but that smile, when out in full bloom, can put everything else before her to shame. SHE loves her parents, loves her friends and can do anything for those she loves.

SHE is the one who inspires me each day to be better than I am, who can make me angry by pointing out my weaknesses and shortcomings. SHE is the one I’ve misunderstood more than anyone else in my life at so many different points. But SHE is also the one i UNDERSTAND so much more than anyone else can comprehend. SHE is the best friend and sweetheart i always dreamt my life partner would be. SHE is the beauty in all its fullness that no other girl can have. SHE is my biggest fan, my sternest critic, yet the familiar face in a crowd of strangers. SHE‘s the one I’d love with all my heart until the day i die. SHE is the one for whom i can do things i never thought possible. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to show her how much I can sacrifice for HER. SHE is the quietest face in the party, yet the most talkative when SHE talks to me over the phone. SHE is the most contemplative being I’ve encountered, always criticizing herself even when the mistake was committed by someone else.

At the heart of all this complexity is a simple being, one untouched by the world, unaffected by the politics, the wrangling, the world out there. The innocence in HER is something i have never been able to comprehend, and there’s something so very endearing and adorable about that quality. SHE has and always will remain the same, the same quiet voice, the tear in her eye that tells you SHE loves you, the quiet moments you share. SHE has carried on when lesser mortals might have faltered, or even given up. SHE has made it through such tough circumstances in her personal struggles, that I am ashamed to call myself a man, cause i know i never could muster that courage. SHE is destined to do great things in her life, do be SO VERY different from the ordinary, and to rise above what she’s faced.

SHE is the complete package. SHE is the one i was meant to spend my life with. I found HER late in my life after having been through hell because of some worthless beings. SHE was always the friend always right in front of me, who I did not recognize until it was almost time to say goodbye. Yet, throught it all, I learnt that there is a time for everything, and I’m glad I got to know HER when I did rather than lose her forever. My past is one big mistake, but SHE is the reason i can and want to forget my past and look forward to OUR future. There is ONLY 1 OF HER IN THIS WORLD, and I’m the luckiest guy alive, to know her, and have her as my soulmate.

SHE.

August 14, 2008

Death

I’m surprised too, that I’ve chosen such a morbid topic to talk about. It is never the right time to hear about a friend or close one passing away, going to a better place. There never seems to be a right time for death. Whenever or wherever it strikes, everyone is unprepared. Why do we always wait to hear tragic news about a loved one, before we realize the value of that person, the void that person filled inside your heart without you knowing it until now? Sometimes death can do more than just take a life, it can also leave behind a sense of regret, not having done the things you should’ve done, or saying the things you should’ve said. “I LOVE YOU”, “I’M SORRY”, “I MISS YOU”.

Today, when you see someone walking down the street towards you as you walk past them, don’t hesitate to smile. The next second, a random car cruising on the highway could have them crushed beyond repair. When you talk to your parents, tell them you love them and that you’ve always wanted to make them proud. When you see a friend, give him or her a hug. Let them know how important they are to you. Friends are the ones who give us a sense of belonging, of not being alone out there in this world. Tomorrow might be too late. When you talk to the one you love, your soulmate, focus on it 100 percent. Dont let yourself get distracted by other things when you’re talking to her. Tell her I LOVE YOU.

This is by no means a self-help book. I need more help than all of you combined, so I’m the last one to dish out advice. But every so often, i watch a sad episode of one of my favorite shows. You know …. the episode where a really popular member of the cast dies. Wierd isn’t it. Something as artiifical as TV can make you think about how fleeting life is. But it did. Strange that if we knew today was our last, how different we’d live our lives to the absolute fullest, living it to the extreme. Why don’t I do that everyday? Is it the misplaced sense of false security that today CANNOT and will not be my last. Maybe i need to start getting it into my head that I’m taking my life too much for granted, and that i need to stop and take stock.

This awakening happens to me every few weeks or so. I get a heightened perception of my life and the meaningless wandering I’m doing in my life and career right then. Right then i resolve to change my life, to escape the aimless wandering along the meandering path of my life. 2 days later, back to square ONE. Maybe not this time around. Possibly. Maybe. Check back at this space 2 days from now. How would you face your last day ??? Say the things you want to say right here and now. Not on your deathbed, seconds away from breathing your last. Cause maybe then, it’ll be too late. Time would be slipping out of ur grasp, and you could be in a coma. What can you say then ? All those words you wanted to say, locked up, with no chance of ever being told.

All i know is, when I go, i dont want to leave behind any unfinished business or any unspoken words. That would be the perfect sendoff. Now off to work, trying to do something about it.


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